


I just can't look, it's killing me.

by dragon_rider



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gen, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-29
Updated: 2012-09-29
Packaged: 2017-11-15 07:12:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/524566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragon_rider/pseuds/dragon_rider
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Among the things Jim knows he doesn't deserve, a relationship with Bones ranks high. Still, the truth of it as it's thrown mercilessly at his face is not something he ever expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I just can't look, it's killing me.

**Author's Note:**

> I grew tired of all the pining!Bones that seems to be around.
> 
> So here, have some pining!Jim instead.

Jim cards a hand through his hair and leans against the door, taking the time to double-check he locked it before collapsing further into his Quarters. He sits heavily on his bed and rubs his face with enough force to make his skin tingle.

There’s an ugly, hysteric sound hanging in the air and it gets worse when he realizes it’s coming from his own throat, that he’s laughing so loud he might as well be shouting but it’s okay.

It’s alright, because at least he’s laughing. He’s not crying and he will not allow himself to even think about that possibility, pushing hard and deep that desperate edge of his voice with every laugh, making damn sure he’s far from the borderline that leads to unsafe territory.

Wouldn’t that be just perfect though? Captain James T. Kirk of the flagship, the Enterprise herself in all her glory, breaking down because of all the things that have come wrong and god-awful during the mission –being the youngest Captain in Starfleet’s history did not, and he can’t stress this hard enough, came free so he has more than a handful of tales scoring _absolutely fucking wrong_ and then worse— the most significant for him was, apparently, the fact that his best friend, the one and only Leonard H. McCoy, his C.M.O. and bitter divorced extraordinaire, has decided to finally give himself a second chance and ask a girl out.

He’s being so stupid and selfish he’s sure he’s achieving a brand new level in his own list of _Reasons why Jim Kirk is bad news_. The worst part is not his shattered hope about being with Bones in a romantic level because he’s never been delusional enough to consider that, no—the worst part is the jealousy that’s turning his insides into an acidic void from which he’s not sure he’ll be able to come crawling back out because he doesn’t even know if he’ll want to.

It isn’t like he can complain about what’s happening. If he didn’t see it coming, well, no one can blame him but he didn’t exactly advertise his true intentions towards his friend either, not after the doctor curtly but politely asked him to stop trying to get in his pants during their first year of acquaintance and quick, easy building friendship.

Vague as it was—Bones never clarified whether he wasn’t interested because Jim was Jim, because Jim was a guy or because he simply wasn’t interested in anyone at the moment— the rejection stung. Take the phantom ache of it and mix it with the clear fear Jim feels just pondering the chance of Bones putting distance between them because he doesn’t reciprocate his feelings and wants to give Jim _space_ to deal with them while cleverly making sure of not getting his stupid friend’s hopes high you can bet Jim hasn’t dared say or imply all that he really wants and longs could exist between them.

So no, he can’t complain. Furthermore, he should be fucking _happy_ for Bones. Grateful, even, because as much as he loves the acerbic nature of his friend because that’s part of who Bones is and Jim loves every last bit of him just as he is, seeing him somewhat loosening up and smiling more often should be a welcomed change.

Instead, all Jim can do is wonder when the last time _he_ made Bones smile was and how little he likes—how downright he _despises_ —the fact that he’s not the one behind the gesture, how obvious it is that everything he did just didn’t cut it because Bones got someone else to light up his face for him.

Keyword being ‘should’ because Jim’s so miserable about it that he can’t bring himself to ignore it anymore. He’s afraid that if he treats the issue with the same _toss it and wait for it to go on its own or mutate into something less poisonous_ he usually applies to his personal problems he’ll lose focus and end up jeopardizing the ship because of it, because he can’t wash away the image of Bones and that cute redhead Ensign from Engineering in the hallway as Bones deposits a gentle, perfect kiss on her temple and bids her goodbye for the night.

Tonia Barrows is smart and very easy on the eyes so Jim isn’t exactly surprised about Bones’ taste in women. She’s a nice catch, Jim has to give her that much, and she seems to be everything Jim could never be or become—caring, balanced, stable and just _lovely_ as Bones himself put it when Jim asked him about her and how their dates were going, pain a choking but controlled bird in the cage of his chest.

He’s petty. He knows he is. He can’t silence the part of him that’s still chanting in his head how unfair this is, how very ready and willing he is to make Bones happy if he just gets a chance to prove he can be everything he will ever need and how there’s no one else who knows Bones like he does but who the hell is Jim exactly to think like that about anyone, let alone his best friend? Bones is the most compassionate man Jim has ever known and he doesn’t need to pause to think whether or not Bones deserves better than to settle with something raw and blemished.

Jim hates himself for it, but that’s it. That’s everything he has to offer and that’s exactly why he must swallow his misery now and let his friend free of the weight of it.

God help him, if he had anything else—anything _worthy—_ to give he’d be pounding on Bones’ door right this sec, spilling his heart out to him and promising him everything in his reach and everything beyond it too.

Bones has been around as he’s always been and Jim is at least grateful for that. He doubts he’d be able to hold it together if Bones decides it’s okay to ditch him and the time they spend together because he’s got a shiny new girlfriend.

Bones doesn’t talk about Barrows much except when Jim brings her to the conversation, which he hasn’t been doing all that much—just enough for his conscience to stop yelling at him for being such a lousy friend and at least _pretend_ he cares about it in the _right_ way, not in the _I care so much it’s tearing me apart_ way he’s been trying hard to conceal.

He does care about it in the way he should. He does want Bones to be as happy as he can possibly be.

It’s just that he’s scared. He’s terrified of being left alone, of Bones not needing him anymore in his life or even not as much as he did when he was single, when Jim was the one in charge of cheering him up and bringing breaths of fresh air into his days.

He can only hope he’s enough for Bones to stay despite of it.

Jim is going to trust him to do so until the last instant. He’s going to trust they’re past the point of justifying what they have, he’s going to trust Bones to stick around for no reason whatsoever except because they’re friends and friends—and Jim hates the word right now, but it’s everything he has, and he’ll clutch it tight, he’ll hold on to it until that breaks too—don’t need those to be by your side, to care about you.

Jim is at least going to _try_ to think he’s enough for Bones to do that, let all their years of friendship soothe his nerves and allow him to function.

If he’s wrong, well—it won’t matter, will it? There won’t be enough of him left to care about that so he’s going to do his job now and he’s going to be a supportive, loyal friend.

And he won’t ask for anything else.

**Author's Note:**

> Sequel: [All the while you were in front of me I never realized](http://archiveofourown.org/works/579186).


End file.
